What to do when deciding which of two people is your soul mate.

Dear Thomas,

What if a person thinks he has more than one soul mate and is having difficulty picking the one whom he wants to spend his life with-and each soul mate has different attributes about them that he loves. How to decide? -- Tom

Dear Tom,

At a certain point in life, many of us find ourselves in the difficult situation of loving two people and feeling the need to choose one over the other. The situation can be torture, and anyone can feel torn apart. I don't mean to take anything away from your feelings, but your language hints at a solution. You sound as though you're standing back and judging these people. I suspect that if you let yourself get closer to each of them, the choice would be made for you. As a therapist, I listen closely to the words people use. When you use the word "picking," my ears prick up. The way I imagine a deep soul connection, love picks you and your partner. The "soul" part of soul mate is the depth of the connection. It goes beyond reason and control and seems to be ordained by fate. Maybe you need to take more time to be involved with these people and let a decision emerge. If you really are soul mates, you should be able to talk with enough honesty and depth to know what to do. If you yourself acted like a soul mate, you would describe the situation as two people together making a decision, not one sizing up the other. You have to ease up on your desire to know everything and to be in control-so you'll see the signs of real love. When you make the shift from being fully in charge to letting life happen, you'll discover how to be-and have-a soul mate.